The Grouch

The Works

2011-01-04T22:58:00.000-08:00

It seems that I am always having to complain about airlines and today it is no exception. The recipient of my gripe is Air New Zealand. Air New Zealand have found new wisdom and decided that we need several options when travelling in the economy section of the airplane. Air New Zealand have probably had their marketing wordsmiths hard at work for some months now, and they have finally come up with a so called Winner!! I would call it the Macdonalization of Air New Zealand. It may as well be a hamburger with words such as The Works and Works Deluxe. They are trying to pretend that they are really offering something quite special for what is really bad old economy no matter which way they disguise it. The biggest problem is the price, as for the very cheapest fare, which is really not cheap at all you only get a seat and a paltry overnight bag that you must carry on. Oh yes, and I forgot you actually must get your earphones as they quote "music and movies and games, tea coffee and water and you can actually purchase snacks!! Im not sure what kind of snacks but I am sure they would be in keeping with the fast and fried variety. For what we used to call economy, with actually less room than before because I notice that the room between seats is 30cm and not 31 as it used to be, you have to pay a small fortune. It is now called The Works Deluxe, and I would take some exception at the Deluxe part of that statement. After all you are still sitting in the same hard seats with 30cm between seats which is hardly enough for anyone of normal stature let alone anyone who is tall. It is time they stopped hoodwinking their travelling public and it is also time they go back to some semblance of a full service airline. What will it be next, a chicken coop within the aircraft for the no frills section!!

National Australia Bank Glitch

2010-11-26T23:12:00.000-08:00

I read in some animal book recently that Australia has no vultures and that is poppycock!! it has Banks that are Vultures and unlike the animal variety these vultures actually have some respectability. Lets take the example of the gargantuan problem referred to as a "glitch" by National Australia Bank. Who are they kidding, its a major catastrophe. Stop the clocks, take out your money and hide it under your matress because you are going to be alot better off than banking with NAB or any other bank that NAB has any transactions of note with. Example: Tuesday morning, ready to go on an overseas trip, check my bank balance to transfer some money over to my credit card. Luckily for me I got a printout....because if I hadnt as far as the vultures are concerned I wouldnt have a beak to sharpen... (good balance for the day, for an example 20,000 in the black in a current account) Wednesday morning: shop at my local supermarket, all cards declined. Declined!! I gasped call the police Ive been robbed. Try another card, phone the bank, (waste of time the answer people say due to the glitch there is a large number of calls) Go to the bank, waste of time too many irrate people doing the same thing, call the bank again, wait and wait and wait and wait..... balance in all my accounts - nil - nada - niente - zero - no balance, no money, where has it gone, call the cops, oh no wait, we cant do that because its not robbery its just highway robbery, its just a glitch says the bank, just temporary and it will be fixed, really...well how does this work...who pays...not the vultures I am sure

Hotels without opening windows

2010-11-26T00:10:00.000-08:00

I thought it was about time I wrote about my absolute worst pet peeve, Hotels without opening windows. I think I should start a list of major cities around the world who have hotels with either opening windows or balconies. I doubt I would fill the page. In Sydney I can think of very few; The Observatory, Park Hyatt, Rendezvous (although some of the windows in the latter are not really ones you would want to open). I might have to resort to either staying in very humble abodes where I am sure there are probably windows that will not close or to the tonier establishments like the new Hotel Paracas pictured in Peru. I am not really talking about apartments because of course, luckily most of those do have at least opening windows. I rang a Hotel in Sydney not too long ago, and the telephonist was in stitches when I asked if they had opening windows. I actually had to spell it. "Why would you like to know please".....OMG why do I want to know, I want to breathe fresh air, none of this foul airconditioning rubbish, I want to breathe pure or unpure air but actual common in the garden Air. Well of course in Hawaii most hotels have opening windows and in Los Angeles stick to Beverly Hills I am pretty sure all of them have such a luxury. Some hotels are actually putting it as a selling point, together with pillow menus and la la la amenities kits. Well of course my most unfavourite city Paris has plenty of opening windows, but I rarely venture to Paris. Ah well of course Cairo, many of their windows open; wafts of all sorts of smells but far more preferable to stale old air conditioning in Sydney.

Scott Rush - We must bring him home

2010-08-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

I have spent some time complaining about airlines, traffic, mentos, nuts, you name it and Ive had rather a big grouch about it. I am now in a more serious mode and I am going to complain about Australia's total inability to save its own citizens from a country that it has bent over backwards to help in times of need. Indonesia. I am not going to go into the whys and wherefores of the Bali Nine Case and drug trade and the Justice System. I want all these Australians brought home, each and every one of them. I cant go into all of the people involved and I have chosen to talk about Scott Rush. Why Scott Rush? Because he is the example of how a boy, at the terrible vulnerable age of 19 could take a terrible wrong turn and end up with the death penalty hanging over his head. Scott Rush was like many 19 year olds, and 20 odd year olds and they are not grown ups. In many countries and in many states of the USA they are not even allowed to drink at that age so they are obviously not considered adults. They are in no way adults. They are kids, ask any parent of a 19 or 20 year old and even older. They will all tell you they are just kids. They are so unaware that their actions have such bad consequences.
Are we going to let Scott Rush live in fear of the death penalty. How can we all be so inactive. How can a civilized world let this happen. If you think that one person cannot change the course of this injustice, think again. Write a letter to the Prime Minister or Ministers, write to the ex prime minister, write to the Pope, write to anyone who has ears, and help bring Scott Rush home. This is not just injustice by a state this is injustice by the apathy of its citizens. Reverand Desmond Tutu rightly said
"If you are neutral in situations of injustice then you are choosing the side of the Opressor "
Lets not be neutral - Lets save Scott Rush, lets save every one of these young people.

Virgin Airlines......What are you thinking??

2010-01-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

It so happens that some of my family have used Virgin Blue, Pacific Blue or whatever derivative name of Virgin that they are called. In the main they have been quite happy with them, the planes I am told are reasonably new, they are punctual and are reasonably friendly (though one of my family members complained about their gestapoish tactics when going up the aisles controlling hand luggage) I havent travelled on them and after today's experience I am sure I never will.
I went on to their website (which isnt the best of airline websites in the world but is passable) and booked a seat for a relative on an international journey. I like many other people do not book ahead anymore, as you are totally penalised for changing your mind with use it or loose it fares. The relative of mine was in the Wop Wops, totally out of touch with only a cell phone to ring at night on occasions. Well I happily went on to book the flight, Virgin quickly took my money, oh yes they asked if I agreed to the terms and conditions (which are of course laborious and are usually in small legal writing and really is of no interest at all). Naturally I clicked that I agreed and before I could turn the page my credit card had been charged and I had the necessary flight details and reference number.
Well I ventured on to try and get a seat allocation, which is quite normal with most airlines, (but not this one, oh no no they have invisible pre seating allocation or its as difficult to find as finding Waldo) and I read a disturbing little note that all international flight passengers had to have a printed itinerary to board the flight. As a matter of courtesy I rang Pacific Blue, Virgin or whatever they are called and got embroiled in rather a heated argument. I explained that my relative was in the Wop Wops (they had no idea what that meant and I feel I may have been talking to a call centre in quite a different country). The gentleman asked that I should get my family member to run into an internet cafe (ha ha yes im sure there are plenty of those in the back of Bourke) and print out his itinerary. When I explained this would not be possible I was flatly told he could not travel. Since I had only just within minutes made the booking I then asked for a full immediate refund and I would take my business elsewhere....well oh no that wasnt possible I could have a credit for the future..................well I was absolutely livid....there should be a sign on their website on the first page..Do not venture to book any seat on our flights if you do not have a printer as you will not be able to board the aircraft....
Well my relative will have to travel on them, because I was in a catch 22 situation, as well as the other airlines were full to overflowing; but of course this will be the last time I or anyone I am paying for will ever travel on these ridiculously small and petty minded people ever again
If they want people with itineraries they should offer printers at the airport at the very least
If they want customers they should give refunds not credits
If they want to be the only airline in Australia that requires printed itineraries they should go back to the wop wops from where they came....

Literally Squashed like Sardines

2009-10-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very hot under the collar having just endured yet another so called "economy " flight. I have decided that if I cant travel at least on business class I may as well stay home. It beggars belief that we would actually pay money to sit in a seat made for some extra terrestials whose measurements are that of half of a normal human being. I may be considered rather tall among some circles, but I am certainly not in the tallest section of society by any stretch of the imagination. My legs, however do not fit in the economy section of an airplane, regardless of how roomy the airlines may state their "new" economy sections are. Oh yes...fares may be cheap...but I dont think I would take another economy flight if it were a gift. It is simply sheer torture. And as for "Qantastic" offering tall people the "opportunity" to sit with extra leg room at a "penalty rate" I say poppycock...... that is discrimation at its best. Honestly what will it be next, middle seats for pygmies, aisle seats for the elderly, window seats for the obese .....I do wonder what they will call that middle aisle on larger planes,
"Median Strip" Now that section should be called budget Oh No no no NO MORE CATTLE CLASS FOR ME.........

E Tag - Sydney

2009-08-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

Sydney is such a beautiful city and the harbour bridge and opera house are two of Sydney's best known and loved icons. Visitors to this beautiful city be warned....when you hire a car, beware of the ETag dilemma. There will be no warning signs in your vehicle but many of Sydney's toll roads and tunnels are far from free and you have to spend some time researching and being bothered about how you are going to pay for them. It seems easy when you go to the e tag website and it seems reasonably well laid out. That will be perfectly adequate for people who keep to their plans, plan in advance and have good access to a computer on their travels. If you dont and you are renting a vehicle then beware. You must register yourself and get an epass or an e tag or whatever e you want to call it. However if you should venture across the beautiful harbour bridge lets say at five to three instead of two forty five that you have allowed for; you certainly may be in real trouble. Then try and correct it on your computer and you will drive yourself off the edge. Surely the NSW Government could come up with some better user friendly way to treat visitors to Sydney. I cant recall anywhere in the world where you have this sort of problem. Queues, yes.....sardine cans of course....but not being able to pay your toll adequately....I dont think so........

Kyle and Jackie O -

2009-08-06T02:27:00.000-07:00

Being an old geezer, I hadnt ever heard of Kyle and Jackie O. Well for those of you who dont live in Australia, I have now found out they are two radio celebrities with a very highly rated show in Sydney. Or at least they were.....until the other day. In the last week I have found out quite alot about them, mostly from other celebrities I would imagine are much farther down the ladder from where Kyle and Jackie sit. Well one of my pet peeves are Wowsers who feast on other peoples mistakes. It is obvious from my little perch that Kyle is obviously someone who people love to hate; the old Tall Poppy Syndrome. From some good old fashioned research I have found this young man has truly achieved a great deal in his life, by the looks of things a great deal more than those who are currently calling for his head.
I am sure when the hype and wowsering has died down, Kyle and Jackie O will be back sitting on their high perch ....laughing all the way to the bank....as well they should be........

Q A N T A S T I C

2009-07-26T23:21:00.000-07:00

I remember when Qantas made up a word called Qantastic, it really did mean more than fantastic and it referred to their airline. I may look back with some nostalgia,at their brightly coloured uniforms, their mostly spic and span aircraft, their friendly crew and good service. Qantas to me was synonymus with everything bright and wonderful and more importantly ....safe....secure....smart...and speedy.
Well all that seems to be a distant dream; has it been brought down by Jetstar its mannerless cheap and nasty subsidiary or has Qantas simply gone into a lethargic catatonic state. My last trip with Qantas was like a comedy sketch from Seinfeld. I wont complain about the fact that the plane looked like it was on its last flight, and I wont complain that I was sardined into a seat that was made for a midget, or the toilets that looked like they had been through a Hurricane, or the staff that had an attitude that would have been the right one in Stalag 13. No no no...all that pales into insignificance when it comes to their luggage handling and their handling of passengers who have been left without their luggage for no apparent reason, after a simple point to point one non stop direct flight. Without going through all the very long, tedious boring particulars let me explain...
International flight....plane arrives 7.30 am.....luggage, what luggage?? 30 minutes turns into 60 minutes into 90 minutes. Having to catch a connecting flight to warmer climes I try and find an assistant, and thats where the fun begins. The assistants are airport assistants, they handle luggage but not connecting flights, I need a Qantas assistant and guess what...there are none. I am told I cannot leave the international terminal without my luggage, but the luggage doesnt turn up, i miss my connection, and another, and another. I am still told I cannot leave the terminal without my luggage, even though the luggage is not there. No one knows how many hours one must wait...panic sets in...I ask another airport assistant who tells me to run to the next terminal and leave my invisible luggage behind ...by this time the whole terminal is in chaos...
I run like a weimariner after its last bone, up and down escalators, on to a train, across a carpark, I ran like the wind. I got to the terminal to find my last flight out shutting its doors and a charming assistant telling me not to worry the next flight to Cairns is only in one hour, and in a very matter of fact manner after I enquired wether it was a non stop direct flight.....well no, this one does stop just once at ULURU.......................

Airbus - Air France - All things french

2009-06-11T20:07:00.000-07:00

Unlike most, I dont love Paris, but I do love most things "French". I dont think I go a day without some item that is either made in France or intrinsically french. From a simple baguette to a Cheval Blanc and everything in between I could not do without France. I love their music, their movies, and their champagne is sublime, most especially my favourite "Laurent Perrier" in my humble opinion the King of Champagne.
I have raved and raved about Air France. It is a very civilized airline and I have flown it around the world on many occasions. In fact I would say it is my favourite airline. So I should be forgiven for having one complaint about the French. Quite simply Airbus.
It isnt a good time to complain about Airbus I know, but complain I must. Whilst the french make superlative most things, I think their cars are not the very best in the world, and from there things get a little worse. I dont think the Airbus has been perfected yet, I dont like the way the company has investigated its accidents and incidents and I now have absolutely no confidence in them ever truly divulging their findings in any accident. The ones that come to mind are American Airlines 587 which was an A300 and Air France 440 which was an A330. The conclusionfrom Airbus on the American Airlines flight beggars belief, and there is no conclusion to Air France 440 at all. I have read about their wonderful safety record that they themselves seem to perpetuate; that makes me even more nervous. They would have to fly Airbuses for another 20 years before they can catch up to the safety record of boeing. As for the A380 I would not fly in this contraption if they paid me to. No I am afraid Airbus will join my list of No No No, together with Lemon Mentos, Pepsi, Milk in Plastic Bottles, Objectionable Fragrance, Sardine Can Economy Flights, Hotels without opening windows, closed minded people, wowsers and unpeeled grapes....

Airbus

2009-06-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

PAYPAL - OFF WITH THEIR HEADS

2009-02-26T17:10:00.000-08:00

I am a very trusting soul, and though I have sold and bought things on ebay
on the odd occasion I was not acquainted with Paypal and its workings.
Well, one little sale has changed all that, and I am now one of Paypal's most enthusiastic critics.
I wont bore you with the details of the transaction. Suffice to say, that Paypal seemingly takes a rather greedy slice off everything along the way. I am now caught in Paypaldom. For those who are novices (like I was last week) Paypaldom is when you have money in a paypal account and are damned if you keep it there and damned if you dont. If you keep it there, you must spend on more trivial goods you dont need, if you move it, the hungry crocodile called paypal will take yet another morsel and do it at snails pace.
I am really mad about the way they advertise. They are careful to word it so that they cant be sued. Instantly send, instantly receive, may be technically correct, but try converting the "instantly" to cash and you are in for a big surprise.
They are obviously making millions of dollars just on their waiting time alone.
And why do we use them? Because they cleverly advertise (probably using an army of lawyers as wordsmiths) and make us believe we need them.
Well I certainly dont.... Paypal will join my long list of peeves: paper bags, no bags, jetstar, non coke and pepsi drinkers, wine snobs, ageing lotharios , lemon mentos and the sardine cans we call Economy on most airlines. No more paypal for me!!

French Door Refrigerator - an entertainer's nightmare

2009-02-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

This is a very beautiful looking refrigerator, which is touted by Fisher and Paykel, its manufacturer as AN ENTERTAINERS DREAM. Well not in my opinion. Unless I am the very unlucky recipient of "two lemons" then this fridge needs to go back to the drawing board.
My first "French Door" made no ice at all. Well, it may as well have been no ice at all because i counted eight pieces of ice. It was right on Christmas, so I was totally sold on the "Entertainers Dream" slogan. Well I spent Christmas buying ice from my local supermarket, and trying to get some assistance in finding the problem. On around the 20th January, I received some assistance, well several visits by a very sweet expert, who kindly informed me that I had a lemon. He arranged for a new fridge, and you guessed it, NO ICE.
On ringing my expert with the bad news, he informed me
that yes indeed, i must be very unlucky as this was obviously another Lemon.
Now it may sound a little petulant to those of you who dont have an ice making refrigerator, in fact it seemed to sound a little tedious to the manufacturer. But this is an expensive refrigerator, touting itself as the latest in fridge technology. It was bought for its ice making capabilities, as Ice is one of my particular obsessions.
Well be careful what you wish for....My second fridge, which made no ice at all is now making enough ice for my whole neighbourhood, in fact I would think for the whole city. We went away for about a week, and on our return the ice had by some miracle appeared. Regardless of my family's and my own ice consuming habits, the ice never stops coming. Well I daren't ring my local appliance dealer and tell him about this problem. All my friends who call around, and even the neigbourhood cats and dogs now get beautiful iced drinks galore. (there is so much ice I have to even( horrors upon horrors) throw much of it out)
But it has left me wondering.....is this permanent or temporary, will the Ice suddenly stop as quickly as it began...

MAD ABOUT NUTS

2009-02-10T17:57:00.000-08:00

The nuts are quite simply off, most of the time. Yes im talking about cashews, almonds, walnuts, you name them they are off. Now I may have been a little harsh on the USA and their perfumes, but believe me I have never eaten a bad nut in America. Their peanuts are always fresh, their walnuts are like no other walnut in the world and my superlatives are saved for their Almonds. I take my hat off to all nut growers and wholesalers and suppliers of nuts in the USA as there quite simply is no other country that handles nuts as well as they do.
Australia (and probably the land of the long white cloud) do nuts very badly. Is it that the general public don't really know what a good nut tastes like or is it that they have always grown up on a diet of bad nuts that they would not know a good nut if it hit them. Peanuts are the worst offenders. I have it on good authority that it is the storing of peanuts that are important. If they are not stored correctly they go rather mouldy and contain quite deadly aflatoxins. Well most of Australasians must have a great deal of aflatoxins in their body.
I say, leave nuts to the experts. Just import them from America and forego all these other countries that really have no idea about proper storage of nuts. I would be avidly scouring the shelves for american nuts and ask your local supermarket to stock them. Diamond are a great brand, and I am sure there are many others like them.

Plastic Bags, Paper Bags, Any Bags Please

2009-02-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

I care for the world we live in, and without going to extremes happily support ecologically sound changes to our living habits. I do, however, get very hot under the collar when Supermarkets and even clothing stores dictate that they will not provide measly bags to carry my goods. Some of them tout some ghastly "green" contraptions, that look hideous and smell rather worse than they look.(they charge for these) Others still offer plastic but go for the overcrowding method. They stuff bags like sardine cans so that they inevitably break and make everything else break within. Then there seems to be some who think that some tiny little paper bag without handles show that they are good corporate citizens. Well they certainly are not. They are simply cost cutting and with the excuse of being "Green" are being mean with their bags. Perhaps they will offer us some head baskets next. I say, demand a bag every time you make a purchase. I have found Sydney the worst offender for bag stinginess and disgraceful bags. By all means get rid of the plastic and save the trees, but before taking away what we have invent an alternative.

COKE OR PEPSI

2009-02-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

I tend to divide people I meet into three categories. The coke drinker, the pepsi drinker and the abstainer. The Coke drinker is usually gregarious, a go getter, on top of his game or at least well on the way, a little opinionated and often rather bossy. A Simon Cowell type I would say.
The Pepsi drinker is artistic, accommodating, a little introverted and quite careful with money .... and.... Tony Blair comes to mind.
Ah....then there are the Abstainers, and they are those rather wishy washy characters, people pleasers, nay sayers, god botherers, health fad enthusiasts who wont get into the Coke and Pepsi debate. They delight in telling you stories of stranged named individuals whose teeth have all had to be pulled out because of their coke or pepsi drinking habits. And when that fails to impress, they go into even longer stories of every conceivable health hazard caused by these drinks. Well my advice to all is, choose a Coke or a Pepsi drinker to spend some time with, but for your better health give the Abstainers a miss.
And where do I stand ....well i dont like imitations, so there is only one COKE

An annyoing little man in the Land of the Long White Cloud

2009-01-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

New Zealand has alot of things going for it. Auckland I hear was voted as one of the top cities to live in the world (by some so called experts in the UK from memory) and I would quite agree. There are many New Zealanders who I also find very charming, entertaining, witty and wise.
However there are two things, well at least two I care to mention today, that I find astounding about the country and I would find quite difficult to cope with.
I will start with the first and by far the most important of the two. There is a man of somewhat short stature (or at least that is how he appears on television) whose name I have difficulty remembering. He is on a morning show on television, and he entertains himself mostly by laughing about others and takes delight in his own jokes. As if that isnt bad enough, he is like some dribbling old lothario making salacious and sexist comments.
Someone Henry, so I will call him O Henry, as for some reason O Henry comes to mind whenever I visit. I ask myself repeatedly "who is in charge of television personalities in New Zealand?? Hellooooooooo anyone there?
The second most annoying intricacy of Aotearoa, (much more easy on the ear than New Zealand)
is that they follow what was called "The Victorian Rule". Some insane concoction in Victoria, Australia, and hopefully nowhere else on earth, that traffic gives way to other traffic when it should not. No wonder they have so many foreigners crash on these shores. The rule was classed as the fools rule in Australia and it is unbelievable that New Zealand followed suit. Someone with some brains should ban this rule immediately.

AN ASSAULT ON THE SENSES

2009-01-28T16:27:00.000-08:00

Eau de Cartier Concentree (pictured) is a really beautiful fragrance and the total opposite of the ones Im going to grouch about today. It is the only one I care to promote among what is now a Tsunami of fragrances.
Never mind the "No Smoking" rule, we should have a "No Fragrance Rule" most especially in cinemas and airplanes or any other confined spaces. Well the list would be endless, as of course there are cars, restaurants, elevators, mopeds,
buses, trains, helicopters, yes helicopters which though airy, tend to grab fragrances and waft them around interminably. In fact I would suggest that these perfume houses and would be perfume creators, go up in a helicopter with their new fragrance in tow and get a really good idea what it will "waft" like. I feel sure many a creation would be stopped dead in its tracks.
The main offenders are, in my view the following
Red Door, you can smell this one from the gate and its enough to put a dog off his dinner
Tresor by Lancome, pretty much likewise, in fact Lancome make some good products but most of their fragrances are lets say extremely potent ...and that is being very kind
Coco Chanel and Opium, both somewhat similar in potency and gag factor
Most of Dior fragrances, with the exception of Diorella and Dior Dior the latter which seems to have evaporated into thin air
Most Elizabeth Arden Fragrances, they are really in the No No No basket
Most of the so called Celebrity fragrances also in the No No No basket
In fact most american fragrances; I cant think of an exception....and I do love most things american -
Vera Wang, Marc Jacobs, oh yes of course they come under american fragrances, so i will leave well alone -
Today I am talking about women's fragrances rather than men's. It is not that they are less offensive in any way, it is mainly that men tend to wear them differently and dont refresh them ten times a day, so they are somewhat less potent.
A friend of mine, quite an expert on perfume calls most of the above "Entertainment Fragrances". I would call them a Pure Assault on the Senses.
Next time some one comes up to you and asks what perfume you are wearing, please do not assume that they think its beautiful. Assume they want to know its name so that they ensure they never purchase it as a gift by mistake.

His name is Tae Wook Han (Chris Han)

2008-11-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

His name should be forever etched in the memories of the people of Sydney. Why have we not heard, at least on a weekly basis how Tae Wook Han is recovering from his terrible injuries.
Why has there not been an appeal to secure his future wellbeing??
Have Sydneysiders tried to forget this horrific crime, by just ignoring it, hoping that by doing so
it didnt really happen. Or are Australians really racist at heart? I have a right to think they might be. Chris Han has been variously described as a Korean Student, or the boyfriend of the chinese student who was murdered in Waterloo. I had great difficulty actually finding his name.
I do not want to bring back memories of other horrific crimes perpetrated in the Sydney area by mentioning some of the victims; suffice to say that they are now household names.
Come on Sydney.....show what you are made of....this crime is so horrendous there seems to be an inability on the part of the press even to just mention it.
As a city, lets do the right thing by Chris Han, lets show him the goodness, generosity, and helping spirit that he so deserves.
This old grouch certainly will...

MENTOS - THEY ARE ALL LEMONS

2008-11-16T23:20:00.000-08:00

Im not usually a sweet tooth, but on occasions most especially when taking an airplane trip I am a little partial to mentos. It does help relieve my ear popping.
Before a recent flight I purchased a packet of so called fruit mentos which as the packet implies contains a selection of strawberry, peach, orange and lemon flavoured sweets. Despite my distaste for the lemon variety, I purchased the fruit flavoured one because I like the peach and strawberry so much. "Well buy the berry flavoured mentos" you may say....no no no, because the berry ones have nasty flavoured ones as well. As usual, the first coloured one was yellow, but to my horror every subsequent mentos.... were all lemon, bar four of them which were orange, which is the second worst flavour. Due to incessant popping in my ears I had to consume all the unpleasant tasting yellow lemon mentos. Not only were my taste buds assaulted by the offensive lemon flavour but I then suffered from multiple violent mouth ulcers for four days. And, no..... I do not wear dentures! The fruit illustrations on the Mentos packet should not falsely imply that strawberry and peach mentos are contained within, and legislation should be introduced as to limit the ratio of lemon mentos to those of other fruit varieties.
NO MORE MENTOS FOR ME....

INNOVATIVE SYDNEY - FREE LEAKS WITH EVERY PARK

2008-11-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

The Sydney City Council has announced it will give free parking to motorbikes; I commend them for their efforts in trying to encourage change in peoples commuting habits.
It seems though, that it may not be quite as good
as it looks. Why? because I, and many others living in my area,(CBD) have witnessed some vagrants and miscreants using flash new motorbikes like dogs use trees.
Stone the Crows, its time for the Beagle Express. Why not invest in some beagles and put the parking wardens to good use. They could patrol the motorbike parking areas and just follow the scent to the offending vagrants. Meanwhile I would suggest that all motorbike parkers hose down their bikes before hopping on, or better still place mousetraps in strategic places nearby.

QUEENSLANDERS

2008-10-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone has noticed that Queenslanders are a little different to other people;
Lets start with men, as there seems to be more men than women in Queensland. Or is it just that there are so many large men that take up most of my looking space that I have felt there are more of them. On a recent visit, in sweltering heat, these men were distinguishable mainly by their huge protruding stomachs, which were siphoned into shorts that were at least five sizes too small. Many of them had belts emphasizing that they indeed had no waists, or disguising perhaps that they had little or no rear ends
Most of them wore vests, tucked into these obscene shorts, showing miles of flesh under and over the vests. I cannot recall what they wore on their feet, but I do remember skinny legs with excess hair and I do not recall smelling any after shave....
Some women, of a certain age with more lines than a corrugated roof (from far too much midday sun I assume) were overtanned, over done and over exposed. There seemed to be
an abundance of well fed people of all ages, most with features that were not too easy
on the eye.
And then horrors upon horrors, there seems to be a propagation of people from the Land of the Long White Cloud, who have emulated the natives with their siphoning into shorts habit.
I wonder why so many people are flocking to Queensland..... There must be something I missed....

BUSH BASHERS - BEWARE

2008-10-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

I am really tired of those old drones, always carrying on about Dubya. "Its all his fault" they say, "the war, the economy, the death rate, the birth rate, the murders, the suicides, the good the bad, the indifferent".
I will let history be the judge of his presidency, and I will let other far more intelligent political analysts dissect his every political move.
Quite Simply, ...I Like George Bush....
I have defended him at every dinner party, cocktail hour and breakfast. I have sat at tables where it seemed that I was his only defender. I have been singled out in my defence of him, by some incredulous friends who have cited that they felt I was more intelligent or had more sense than to like him. "Surely my passion for justice" they implored...I have been assaulted with hundreds of emails trying to bring his every possible failing to my attention.....and still I am staunch in my defence of Mr Bush.
Why?.....
I like George Bush because:
- He is a dog lover and loved by his dogs - I trust his dogs
- He has a lovely wife - I trust her too
- He has two seemingly accomplished and wonderful daughters who adore him (no easy feat to be a great father)
- He has not really mastered the english language - and I find that quite endearing and refreshing; at least it means he is unrehearsed
- He gets emotional when it matters most - He has a heart; anyone can see that.

Now---thats way more positives than I can find in most people I meet ....

STOP THE CLOCKS THE CHICKENS HAVE COME HOME TO ROOST

2008-10-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Close members of my family have always been rather fanatical about the welfare of our feathered friends. I must say, that whilst I am an animal lover, i found it easier not to think about how my tasty chicken actually found its way on to my plate. As for eggs, i was much more interested as to their freshness and taste than anything else.
One visit to a battery farm has totally changed my perspective, and I too have become fanatical about caring for our chickens. It seems hard enough to change one town into free range, least of all a whole country, but I think it may be possible to do so, at least with a small country.
New Zealand is a good option as a first, it sells itself on its good green image, is a land of pioneers, it doesnt have the usual chicken enemies like foxes to deal with, and it prides itself on being innovative and forward thinking. It also doesnt have chicken thieves, at least not yet. Unbelievably this is something quite seriously cited as a case against free range chickens, the great risk of theft.
For all those who proudly boast they buy Barn Laid; Barn Laid is not free range, free range means that chickens actually roam around fields.
So here is a challenge to the Land of the Long White Cloud, close down your archaic "chicken concentration" camps and set our feathered friends free.

Ageing Lotharios

2008-10-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

What is it with these old bald headed bag of bones type men and these twenty or thirty something beauties?

The brrrrrrrr Michael Douglas /Katherine Zeta Jones scenario seems to be so common place these days and I am really trying to understand it. A real all together, intelligent, beautiful woman would not want an ageing, balding, dribbling Lothario as an accessory. Far from it; Give me Demi Moore or Cher any day, who appreciate that a younger man is what an older woman needs and wants. I am amazed that reasonably intelligent older men can really imagine that a woman will love them for who they are. Its the pocket book, the pocket book and only the pocket book.....the list is endless; Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, Jim Clark, Donald Trump, and of course we wont even mention Hugh Hefner because he takes things to a whole new level. And I forgot Bill Clinton, who had some trouble keeping his pecker in his pants, and comes under King of Lotharios.

I remember hearing one of those silly throwaway poems that went something like...between 20 and 30 a woman is like africa, wild and unexplored and it finished with the likes of between 60-70 she is like siberia, everyone knows where it is and no one wants to go there; of course there was several in between that; suffice to say it was very seventies, very sexist and very one sided.

well here goes one for the liberated 2000's and it for all the ageing lotharios out there to contemplate
From 20-30 a man is like Africa, unexplored, untamed and ready for action
From 30 - 40 he is like America, go go go, at the top of his game
From 40 - 50 He is like France mature, classy distinctive like wine, but a little goes a long way
From 50 - 60 He is like Russia, has trouble with staying power
From 60 - 70 and beyond He is like Iceland, the land of Fire and Ice, his mind is still on fire his body may as well be on ice....

"Pediguenos"

2008-10-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

The spanish word "Pedigueno" is a wonderful word that has no english equivalent.
Its literal translation is "an Ask for It" but of course that is literal and hides the true meaning. It is a word in very common use in spanish speaking countries ; it is used for people who are always on the "scrounge" for money or goods or things that belong to others; A coveter of sorts. This type of
person is usually rather mean; sometimes very mean in fact and who is always at the ready to receive the generosity of those who will give it.
I particularly dislike Wedding Pediguenos.
People who send out invitations, with enclosures about their world desires for presents. I am totally in favour of young people starting out in life, having wedding lists and the like. However, at a certain time in life, asking for wedding gifts, disguised in humorous stories about how "we have oh so many saucepans" is very tawdry.
A gift, un obsequio, le cadeau, are all beautiful words in their respective languages. I suggest the german term dragonfutter translated as dragon fodder is far more appropriate for the Pediguenos.

Australia Post

2008-10-16T20:01:00.000-07:00

Australia Post, quite possibly boasts the most inefficient service of any postal service in any major city in the world. Employees consist of those who were likely dropped on their head as children and those who seem to have become completely intoxicated with the power that the postal service has over its every day citizens.

I can barely contain my exasperation when I receive a paltry little note in my apartment mailbox telling me the “mailman” attempted to deliver a package to me between specified times and as I was unavailable I need to go and collect my parcel from the post office between the ever so convenient hours of 9am and 5pm Monday to Friday, coincidentally the same time most of us are stuck in the confines of the office.

Firstly, I have on numerous occasions staked out my apartment lobby in hope of catching this mysterious “mailman” who supposedly attempts to deliver packages to me frequently. Finally on catching this slippery man I am handed a note again telling me to retrieve my parcel from the post office as the “mailman” attempted to deliver a parcel to me! I am standing in front of this pathetic little man who tells me he hasn’t got my package, he only carries the notes. But according to this note I say, you are currently trying to deliver a package to me as we speak, where is this invisible package?

What service are we paying for? How dare you Australia Post put another one of those little notes in my mailbox which is a blatant disregard for the truth! “Mailmen” in Australia these days seem to have more leave benefits and less working hours than those who are unemployed, not to mention a company “moped” which is supposed to allow for easier and speedier delivery of packages.

I would suggest rewriting these “courtesy notes” so as to more accurately define the situation at hand, please see the following example:

Hi there,

We at Australia Post couldn’t be bothered delivering your mail to you today. So instead we want you to come to us. Please come at the most inconvenient time to you and we may be able to locate the above mentioned mail. Please expect to wait in a stagnant queue of people and be served by someone that may or may not be medically classed as brain-dead.

Cheeseparing Class -

2008-10-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

Next time I fly, i must remember my tape measure, as I could swear that the distance between seats has been pared yet again. Being of average height, I just about fit, but really anyone who is tall does not fit into these seats.

One of these pollsters, the ones who seem to always ring at inconvenient times just happened to call me and ask my opinion about my most recent "flight experience". Well she rang at quite an appropriate time since my last flight had been anything but a pleasurable one.

I will start with check in. How can a person with appropriate habits and levels of dress really get by with one bag weighing 20 kilos for a three week trip into very different climatic zones. Some airlines, have become rather strict on the kilo policy of late, bestowing their forgiving kilos like lottery tickets. "I really should be charging you excess" they sternly advise.... and then promptly tell you that they are forgiving the four offending kilos. They should not be called Customer Service Agents or whatever other fantabulous title they give themselves, they are simply Weight Inspectors. These Weight Inspectors are mainly in the Antipodes region of our world. America, both north and south is far more civilized with a piece system, and France, most particularly Air France puts the rest of the world to shame. I recall a trip with Air France where I had so much luggage they politely asked if it was a Group Check In. When I said no, indeed it was all my luggage they just smiled and never said a word. Oh how I wish they would teach these Weight Inspectors some manners.

Food : If Emirates can produce an excellent three course meal for the price of their tickets which are not a dollar over the price of its competitors, why cant everyone else. The biggest offenders (apart from the likes of Jetstar and other budget airlines who sell food on planes) are Aerolineas Argentinas and on some routes Air New Zealand. I notice that on routes where they have competition from other major airlines they do well, but dare you travel on a transtasman New Zealand/Australia route and you will have to contend with pies and other meager offerings. Dont bother going the special diet and requirements route with Air New Zealand, these are much worse.

My pollster phone a friend, since by the end of the conversation we were on first name terms, asked if I would recommend my last airline experience to my friends. Well... I said," I would recommend it for short people who travel with a couple of changes of clothes and a toothbrush, and most of all for those who have a particular aversion to food".

Jetstar - Auf Wiedersehen

2008-10-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

Jetstar, promotes itself as a low cost yet efficient carrier. Everything about it is cheap(and nasty in my opinion) and because it promotes itself as such I am sure none of its passengers expect much.
That is in Jetstar's favour. Low expectations, low level of complaints I would imagine. Or maybe not:-
If you do have a complaint, they are not endowed with the latest technology. One must use snail mail to a p.o. box number. It makes me wonder whether a lack of a physical address means that they fear the wrath of their angry passengers, and perhaps a lack of email addresses means they really are not quite connected. In any event, i think all passengers should read the small print, then re-read it and then think it over for a week or so, or better still choose another airline who has some customer service manager at the helm.
For a company operating in the 21st century no email options is at best disingenuous.
Worse still, no manager to take responsibility means that customer service and satisfaction has no priority with Jetstar.